Welcome to Book Notes. Today I’m sharing notes from my reading of Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. This is part two. You can read part one of my notes and thoughts here, Hold On to Your Kids {part 1}. Quotes from the book are in bold and my thoughts follow. For more great parenting book resources, visit my Book Notes page.
Book Club Time: Hold on to Your Kids
—Some children need to sense that they matter to the parents in order to feel close to them. Hmm, do my children know they matter to me? How would I show them that they matter to me?
—Family outings and holidays need to be protected. Do not dilute these collection times by bringing friends. I don’t think the author is saying, “never-ever” but how many times have I heard parents say that allowed friends to come along so their children will have someone to play with–someone their own age…I think that does a great disservice to the family bond. I think parents and children need some time to be bored with each other.
—Family meals are of extreme importance…Bedtime routines are important. This reminds me of a recent post from Auntie Leila, Eating Dinner Together When the Kids Get Older.
—Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line.
—The will to connect must be in the parents before there is anything positive for the child to respond to. Ahh, I need to examine my heart.
—When problems occur, work on the relationship, not the incident. I think this is a quote geared more for the older children. I don’t know that I need to “work on a relationship” before I discipline Leo for trying to run out into the field while Chris is mowing. But as a mom of teens and young adults, yes, I can definitely see the value in this now and as they are growing and maturing.
—Realities need to be presented firmly so they do not become an issue. (This won’t work, I can’t let you do that, Your sister said no…) To equivocate to reason, to explain, to justify–is to fail to give the child something to adapt to. If there is any chance of the situation to be changed, there will be no priming adaptation. I honestly believe this depends on the child. We have a couple of kids that if the answer is not a firm “no” they think it could be a “yes.”
—More important than our words, is the child’s sense that we are with her, not against her. I have a child who I believe thinks we are not for them. This is sad. And I’m not really sure how to turn it around. This sense on the child’s part came about a couple of years ago from outside influences who we thought were our friends. They undermined our parenting and ultimately our relationship with our child.
—It is essential to acknowledge a child’s positive intentions instead of identifying him with his impulses, actions, and failures. Be as supportive and as encouraging as possible. This falls under one of our “Family Rules.” Assume the best…Forgive the worst.
Stop by my page dedicated to book club notes and suggestions…Book Notes.
*Repost from the archives.
Below are some of my other favorite Parenting books. I actually have a Book Notes Post for Fit to Burst–one of my favorites and such a quick, easy and enjoyable read.
Jennifer says
I like the idea of making sure kids know they matter to them. I believe it builds the self confidence they take out into the world.
Jenny says
It is a good idea. I want my children to know who they are before the world tries to define them.
Lysha @ Magnolia Mom says
It is so difficult with all the evening activities to all get around the table at the same time. 🙁
Jenny says
Oh I agree. The schedules just make it harder and harder don’t they?